PORK PIE AND EGG SANDWICH
Written by James Ward
It started in Marks & Spencer.
I’d gone in to buy a sandwich (it was lunchtime). I walked over to the chiller cabinet and saw this:
I immediately walked out.
Things got worse. After tweeting about this monstrosity, someone sent me this:
Stop trying to make everything a sandwich, Marks & Spencer, you lunatics. A pork pie doesn’t belong in a sandwich, neither do Yorkshire puddings. Just leave them alone. And don’t put these insane creations in wrappers covered in Union Jack bunting, suggesting some sense of tradition and nostalgia. There is no widely held tradition in this county of putting pies in sandwiches.
Photo by @snoozysuzy
I wasn’t entirely sure what a “Jubilee strawberry” was, but as Nick Marston on the Berry Gardens website explains, the Driscoll Jubilee is:
an exceptional strawberry with a wonderful naturally sweet flavour profile. It literally is the Queen of the Crop when it comes to summer strawberries. It is the UK’s leading variety for retailer’s premium brands. Nothing compares to it.
If you want any further information about the Driscoll Jubilee Strawberries please contact Nick Marston at enjoy@jubileestrawberries.com
It’s not just Marks & Spencer who have gone out of their fucking minds though. You can’t walk down any aisle of the supermarket without seeing some product or other in limited edition Jubilee packaging.
Ma’amite:
Brit Kats:
Photo by @DaisyGreenwell
Queensmill:
Great British Fancies:
They look quite similar to French Fancies, to be honest.
Tabasco sauce:
Ah, good old-fashioned traditional British Tabasco sauce.
I suppose this outbreak of Union Jack bunting was inevitable given the perfect storm of both the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee and the London Olympics this summer. The combination of the two has caused some companies to go so completely demented that they seem to have forgotten what the products they sell are actually for. Pampers, for example, have launched a range of Union Jack nappies:
Encouraging children to piss and shit on the Union Jack isn’t celebrating Britain, Pampers.
I went to the London David Icke Discussion Group again on Sunday, and the Jubilee and Olympics were one of the topics discussed.
One man suggested that when crowds of people gather to see the Queen, she feeds off their energy.
Every time anyone’s there, waving a flag, they are feeding off the energy you’re giving them.
But he offered some advice to anyone who fancied a nice day out but didn’t want to give positive energy to the Queen:
If you do go there, don’t adore them – adore yourself. Come from the heart chakra. That’ll mess them up.
He even suggested forming a gang and going along, each person coming from their heart centres. “That’ll mess them up.” Sounds like a fun day out.
The security measures being introduced for the Olympics were also mentioned. One person asked if anyone thought the Olympics would be used for a false flag attack. The majority of the room seemed to think this was likely. “OK, but then what if it doesn’t happen?” he asked. “It might be a trick! It might be a double bluff!” someone said. So if there is a terrorist attack during the Olympics, it’s proof of a conspiracy and if there isn’t one, that’s proof too.
Another person suggested that the Olympics could be used as a test for Project Blue Beam and that rather than the Illuminati staging a terror attack during the Olympics, they might stage an alien attack, although this was dismissed. “I would be very surprised. I don’t think they’d get away with that. I think it’s too soon to do a fake alien attack” said one person.
There are four stages to Project Blue Beam:
The first stage involves engineering a series of earthquakes, which reveal “discoveries” proving that all of the world’s religions are wrong:
What is important to understand in the first step is that those earthquakes will hit at different parts of the world where scientific and archaeological teachings have indicated that arcane mysteries have been buried. By those types of earthquakes, it will be possible for scientists to rediscover those arcane mysteries which will be used to discredit all fundamental religious doctrines. This is the first preparation for the plan for humanity because what they want to do is destroy the beliefs of all Christians and Muslims on the planet. To do that, they need some false ‘proof’ from the far past that will prove to all nations that their religions have all been misinterpreted and misunderstood.
The second stage involves a giant holographic projections of all of the main deities:
The second step in the NASA Blue Beam Project involves a gigantic ‘space show’ with three-dimensional optical holograms and sounds, laser projection of multiple holographic images to different parts of the world, each receiving a different image according to predominating regional national religious faith. This new ‘god’s’ voice will be speaking in all languages.
[…]
The result of these deliberately staged events will be to show the world the new ‘christ,’ the new messiah, Matraia (Maitreya), for the immediate implementation of the new world religion. Enough truth will be foisted upon an unsuspecting world to hook them into the lie. “Even the most learned will be deceived.”
The project has perfected the ability for some device [referred to as “tractor beams” by ufologists] to lift up an enormous number of people, as in a Rapture, and whisk the entire group into a never-never land We see tests of this device in the abduction of humans by those mysterious little alien greys who snatch people out of their beds and through windows into waiting “mother ships.” The calculated resistance to the universal religion and the new messiah and the ensuing holy wars will result in the loss of human life on a scale never imagined before in all of human history.
[…]
Then the projections of Jesus, Mohammed, Buddha, Krishna, etc., will merge into one after correct explanations of the mysteries and revelations will have been disclosed. This one god will, in fact, be the Antichrist, who will explain that the various scriptures have been misunderstood and misinterpreted, and that the religions of old are responsible for turning brother against brother, and nation against nation, therefore old religions must be abolished to make way for the new age new world religion, representing the one god Antichrist they see before them.
Naturally, this superbly staged falsification will result in dissolved social and religious disorder on a grand scale, each nation blaming the other for the deception, setting loose millions of programmed religious fanatics through demonic possession on a scale never witnessed before. In addition, this event will occur at a time of profound worldwide political anarchy and general tumult created by some worldwide catastrophe.
The United Nation even now plans to use Beethovan’s ‘Song of Joy’ as the anthem for the introduction for the new age one world religion.
Next, they will project thoughts and voices into people’s heads using extremely low-frequency radio waves:
The advancement of techniques propel us toward the third step in the Blue Beam Project that goes along with the telepathic and electronically augmented two-way communication where ELF, VLF and LF waves will reach each person from within his or her own mind, convincing each of them that their own god is speaking to them from the very depths of their own soul. Such rays from satellites are fed from the memories of computers that have stored massive data about every human on earth, and their languages. The rays will then interlace with their natural thinking to form what we call diffuse artificial thought.
There are three “orientations” to the final stage – make everyone think aliens are about to invade earth, make Christians believe the Rapture is about to take place and make “satanic ghosts” appear through your TV and phone:
One is to make mankind believe that an alien (off-world) invasion is about to occur at every major city on earth in order to provoke each major nation to use its nuclear weapons in order to strike back. This way, the United Nations Court will require that all those nations which launched nuclear weapons to disarm when the invasion is shown to have been false. And how will the United Nations know that the invasion was false? They will have staged it, of course.
The second is to make the Christians believe that the Rapture is going to occur with the supposed divine intervention of an alien (off-world) civilization coming to rescue earthlings from a savage and merciless demon. Its goal will be to dispose of all significant opposition to the implementation of the New World Order in one major stroke, actually within hours of the beginning of the sky show!
The third orientation in the fourth step is a mixture of electronic and supernatural forces. The waves used at that time will allow “supernatural forces” to travel through optical fibers, coaxial cables (TV) electrical and phone lines in order to penetrate to everyone at once through major appliances. Embedded chips will already be in place. The goal of this deals with global Satanic ghosts projected all around the world in order to push all populations to the edge of hysteria and madness, to drown them into a wave of suicide, murder and permanent psychological disorders. After the Night of the Thousand Stars, worldwide populations will be ready for the new messiah to re-establish order and peace at any cost, even at the cost of abdication of freedom.
Now, that might all sound a bit insane, but it’s not as insane as putting a pork pie in a fucking sandwich.
JAMES WARD: I LIKE BORING THINGS 
Roast Beef and Yorkshire pudding baps are actually ‘a thing’. You can get them at most hot sandwich shops in God’s Own County.
Not to mention Fuzzy Grub’s roast sandwich:
Good lord.
You people are sick.
While I entirely agree with your main thesis that pies do not belong in sandwiches and just putting “British things” in a sandwich for the Jubilee is insane. There are people who do this, albeit mainly in the North (as Nick mentions above). Also, apparently it can lead to weight gain: http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/communities/gateshead/2012/01/20/gateshead-dad-loses-16st-after-giving-up-pie-sandwiches-72703-30163719/
The north doesn’t count.
I agree with this sandwich nonsense, but I also maintain that any retailer that doesn’t fuilly capatalise on the branding potential of Coronation Chicken at this time is clerly making bad life decisions.
Good point.
Did I say this already? Maybe. But Iceland is doing jubilee mini coronation chicken pies.
My big issue with these sandwiches is they are double dry. Bread and pastry or bread and Yorkshire pudding are very uncomfortable to eat. I’m not going so far as to suggest that there is a conspiracy at play here, but can we be sure that David Icke isn’t advising Marks and Spencers to sell double dry sandwiches in order to sell more “soft drinks”? Could you raise this at the next discussion group please?
Will do.
Be wary of this man of this man and his forked tongue. By comparing these impending catastrophes to sandwiched pies he belittles us all.
“I went to the London David Icke Discussion Group again on Sunday, and the Jubilee and Olympics were one of the topics discussed.”
Surely they were two of the topics discussed?
The Jubilee and Olympics could be one topic: “Jubilympics” – something involving David Jason commenting in the style of Derek Trotter (just saying “Lovely Jubbly” over and over) as people walk and run around the country with a lit torch, clearly violating European ‘Elf and Human Rights and Safety legislation. Maybe it’s the other way round: “Olympilee” – ITV relaunch their Daybreak/GMTV breakfast telly show with Rusty Lee back on the box to laugh her head off at sub-You’ve Been Framed clips of hilarious sporting snafus – shot-putt being dropped on the athlete’s foot, the hammer being thrown at the protective fencing, that sort of thing.
That’s a good point.
Marks and Spencer are past offenders in the Putting Random Things In Sandwiches stakes though – I distinctly remember a halcyon period in the late 1990s when they sold onion bhaji sandwiches. It’s too long ago now for me to remember the precise composition but I believe granary bread, lettuce, raita and mango chutney were all involved.
I’m pretending to be aghast at this monstrosity as actually they were bloody lovely if a bit compositionally unbalanced.
Strawberry and Clotted Cream sandwiches:
To be honest they were surprisingly good.
I think it was for Wimbledon btw.
Nobody’s mentioned the ‘9 Grain Bread’ this pork pie and egg monolith comes cossetted in. Nine grains. Just think about that for a minute.
“Encouraging children to piss and shit on the Union Jack isn’t celebrating Britain, Pampers.”
It’s all part of Alex Salmond’s dastardly plan.
Ah, you should take a look at http://putajackonthepack.tumblr.com/ more ‘jubilee’ design classics.
Its the union jack branding that gets me. I know I live in Britain thank you very much!!!!
The Tesco Roast Beef/Yorkshire Pudding wrap is far superior. The pudding IS the wrap. It’s basically a cold roast dinner condensed in to two large mouthfuls. You’re practically shoving Great Britain in your face and masticating a battered version of the Queen before swallowing the whole lot leaving behind the mustardy tang of Prince Philip’s jubilee “horseradish sauce”.
The comment about encouraging children to piss on the Union Jack, really made me laugh. I just took delivery of 84 of those bad boys and I will enjoy watching my very-Scottish father squirm when he catches sight of them on his granddaughter’s bum.
Nice pics and funny post! Haven’t seen many of those particular monstrosities in Scotland (MARMITE!!) but we are collecting them via Twitter using hashtag #unnecessaryunionjacks – see this blog post with link to our Pinterest Board with >150 pics already: http://villageaunties.org/2012/05/18/resist-the-ubiquitous-union-jack/
Reblogged this on Daibhidhdeux's Blog.
Oliver Bonas in East Dulwich has a display window featuring the phrase “Queenie, you’re a diamond!”.
I mean at some stage, all of this nonsense stops being jokily irreverent and twee and starts becoming actually disrespectful to the Queen, doesn’t it? I’m not a massive royalist but frankly she doesn’t deserve this shit.