BIRTHDAY
Written by James Ward
On Saturday 2nd April, I will turn 30.
I’m not sure how to mark this event. For various reasons (not just the psychic trauma of turning thirty) I’m not even sure if I want to celebrate it at all.
I should probably have a party of some sort. That is “the done thing”, after all. To be honest though, if were forced to have a party, there’s only one person I’d want to invite. Jedward:
Sadly [correct at time of writing] Jedward have not replied. Ever optimistic though, I contacted another close celebrity friend:
However, Michael has been a bit unwell recently, and so felt the idea of a bouncy castle was a bit too much:
I tried to explain that the bouncy castle was not compulsory:
However, Michael replied:
I assume by “love jelly parties frighten me im a recluse”, what Michael meant was that although he loves jelly, as a recluse, he finds parties somewhat intimidating. I hope this is what he meant. Otherwise he seems to be saying that he is afraid of “love jelly parties”. I have no idea what a “love jelly party” is, but I would say that the idea of Michael Winner attending such a function fills me with fear. Or maybe it’s not fear. Perhaps it’s a different feeling, I just know that it makes me feel all funny.
As I face the fact that neither Michael Winner nor Jedward will be celebrating my birthday with me, I wonder if I should bother celebrating my birthday at all, and it is this ambivalence of feeling which leads me to the only option which makes sense. I will organise a party for my birthday, just without the guarantee that I will turn up. I will book a space somewhere – a room in a pub – and invite anyone who wants to come, but whether or not I attend will be decided by the toss of a coin.
In many ways, this is ideal. I don’t know if I want to celebrate my thirtieth birthday, and so I can simply avoid making the decision by submitting to the will of a coin toss. I don’t know if anyone would want to come to celebrate my birthday with me anyway, so you are at least given a 50/50 chance of a night out without having to speak to me.
If the coin toss goes against me, I’ll just sit in a pub round the corner on my own, or maybe I’ll just go home. Have an early night.
I like this idea. It gives me the option of everything and nothing. Of sociability and anti-sociability. My birthday becomes a game.
Heads or tails?
Edit: I’ve decided to hold this at the Sloe Bar in Waterloo Station. You can go there at whatever time you like on Saturday evening. I’ll sit in a different pub nearby, which shall remain secret. At about 8pm, I’ll toss a coin which will determine whether or not I turn up. If it’s heads, I’ll go to the Sloe Bar and meet you all, assuming anyone turns up. If it’s tails, I’ll stay where I am and sit on my own in the other pub until closing time. I’ll take a book with me or something. Consider this an invite.
JAMES WARD: I LIKE BORING THINGS 
I would parse Winner’s message like this:
[I] love jelly parties. Frighten me, I’m a recluse.
You know, “frighten me, I’m a recluse”. Like “kiss me, I’m Irish”.
Invite people, don’t go, request attendees to film it – general conversations, special messages for you, the cake etc. Then watch the footage at your leisure. I would suggest setting up a webcam and link, so you can watch it all live, but I suspect that would be quite dull.
I’d go.
when i turned 30 some people (who i knew and was friends with, not members of the public or jedward or michael winner) came to my house and we ate crisps and watched the musical episode of ‘buffy the vampire slayer’. me and jaynie sang along, but none of the others did because they weren’t really big fans of ‘buffy the vampire slayer’ and hadn’t even paid attention when i gave them a pre-episode summary of the ‘season so far’, which is actually very important because whilst the musical episode was a triumph in itself, one shouldn’t forget that it was key to the overall series arc.
i have been 30 (or more) for a number of years. right now, i’ve got my own office and on my desk i’ve got a lego chewbacca atop a lego empire state building (king kong style). i never had these things before i was 30 so, y’know, it just goes to show.
i will turn 29 later this year. this is my second time believing i am turning 29 because i actually lost count of how old i was last year and celebrated a 29th birthday in mistake. unfortunately my chance to celebrate my 28th birthday while believing i am turning 28 is lost forever (unless i somehow forget again and miscount the other way). i know it seems impossible to mistaken the number of years old you are turning, but just 18 months ago i moved to a foreign country thousands of miles away from anyone who knew my real age, so when i lost count, my new friends here all believed i was turning 29 last year. i guess they had no reason not to. but this year i am dreading the embarrassment of telling them last year was a mistake and that they have to celebrate my turning 29 all over again. the good news is there were not many people who came to last year’s party and i am not sure they even remember what year it was they celebrated me turning, so i may be able to slip by this time. of course, this gives me doubts as to the usefulness of a having a party in the first place. maybe i will go with a coin toss to decide, too. (but i may flip the coin before planning the party because that seems to me like the obvious thing to do.)
I’ve never had a good birthday. I mean, I’m sure I did when I was little, when everyone buys you presents and makes a fuss. Now I celebrate by slathering on anti-wrinkle cream and going to bed early, because staying up late and drinking makes my skin grayish, which is not what you need to wake up looking like if you’re a year older anyway.
Adult birthdays, schmirthdays…there are two kinds of grownups: those that LOVE birthdays and those that DISTRUST birthdays (see above). It’s the tyranny of holidays, birthdays, New Year’s Eve in particular, the You Will Have Fun dictate that kills the spontaneous joy of being together with old, funny, odd friends when the conversation floats in the air, rises like champagne bubbles and you can love & tease everything about your friends and lovers. Now that’s a celebration. If it happens to coincide with a birthday, you’re laughin’ — but to expect it is to invite doom.
If you’re worried about turning thirty, your twenties must have been good. You can at least be satisfied that you aren’t grateful to be turning thirty.
I parse Winner’s tweet thus:
“Love, jelly parties frighten me. I’m a recluse.”
I think he’s a little bit camp and secretly likes you. If you were to throw a him a one-man cake and ice cream party in a cave, I reckon he’d go.
I must speak winnerspeak because I understood perfectly. Love jelly, parties frighten me, I’m a recluse (lie!).
You have the same birthday as me!
Which pub? ;)
Who is Jed Ward? Is he your cousin?
I am 30 in December. I am probably going to hire a children’s play centre and turn it into lazer quest for the night. I reckon Jed & Ward might come to that.
I still think you should invite John Craven; it’s the only way to get Gadaffi on board.
Hi, how to insert Twitter status on post like yours?
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